Tag Archives: fear

Fear
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For a Few Seconds I Wasn’t Afraid

I’m always afraid of something. Always.

What am I afraid of?

Failure?

Too many questions?

Not being able to explain myself?

Other people’s opinions?

Why does the idea of putting pen to paper leave me a shaking mess?

I am a writer afraid to write my own thoughts about the things that live in my head, the stories that play like a movie in my mind, the epiphanies I have as I’m living my life.

But the words are always there, swimming around, popping up when I’m doing things that require little focus.

For a while I thought the problem was that I only write well when I’m working through something – like when I got divorced a million years ago.

Then I thought it’s because I’m not any good at writing the way the “experts” say I should – teach people something, monetize everything, don’t write for yourself, never use the word “I!”

But, in my humble opinion, that’s my best writing – writing for me, writing to figure myself out. Experience tells me that when  do, other people often relate. We connect in unimaginable ways when we share our own experiences in life.

There are so many online writing rules – and I seem to break them all.

The title is never catchy, click-y, or the thing that brings readers in.

Worrying about images in a blog post is a drag.

I don’t consciously have anything to teach anyone. If you learn something from me, it’s going to be a happy accident.

But there are things I know I do well…

I know I have a distinct viewpoint – but why should anyone care?

My experiences have formed my worldview – but why should anyone care?

And that’s what it comes back to. The mean girl voices in my head whisper the same incessant taunt…

Why would anyone care? Why should they?

Those voices piss me off.

Why am I so fearful of what others think? I don’t pay my bills with the opinions of others. Why do I let it matter?

I’m back to my original question.

What am I so afraid of?

And that’s the real question I’m only just beginning to ask, think about, and attempt to answer.

I’m always afraid.

Not of catastrophe or accidents. I stopped playing the “what if” game years ago: What if I’m in an accident? What if I lose a client? What if something terrible, awful, or horrendous happens? Somewhere, somehow, I learned that I handle the things the Universe throws at me.

But I’m always afraid.

Of being judged. Of being found wanting. Of failing. Of letting others down. Of looking ridiculous or stupid or uneducated or uninformed.

My fears are internal, living in my mind, wreaking havoc in my brain.

Hell, even the fears I have as a mother aren’t because I think my decisions are bad ones. I parent from pure instinct which is fairly reliable. No, my fears often involve what other people will think of my decisions.

Fuck.

All this fear is paralyzing.

I don’t write. I don’t try new things. I don’t put myself out there. I don’t move forward.

Instead, I stand still. I stagnate. I become a dreamer who never acts on anything. I play it safe…always.

So what does this all mean?

It means that I needed a wake up call. I needed to hit a new low. I needed to get angry at myself – not the self-loathing anger that accomplishes nothing, but the white hot fury that burns everything else away.

And I did. It’s not sustainable, but it was enough for me to realize I’m done living in fear.

Of course nothing big and great is accomplished over night, and I still face the hurdles that my internal monologue throws at me all day every day.

But you don’t have to be unafraid every moment of every day.

You only need a few seconds.

I was afraid of a notebook and a pen. I was afraid of writing my own thoughts. But I was also afraid of not writing. I’m still all of those things.

But if you ever read this on a screen instead of attempting to decipher my chicken scratch from a dusty old notebook, you’ll know for a few seconds, I wasn’t afraid.

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Inspiration
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Writing is Powerful

Writing is Powerful

Start with mechanics – comma placement, grammar, too many adverbs, not enough adjectives. Too simple. Too complex. Someone, somewhere will tell you what you’ve written is wrong in someway.

Then there’s the topic – Why are you writing that? Who cares about the blue birds that landed on your window sill or the car that backfired outside your door? No one wants to read [fill in the blank]. We either think this to ourselves or we fear someone is thinking it about our writing.

Finally, the most terrifying part of all. With every word on the page, a little bit of our soul is out there. I don’t care of the topic is insurance or parenting or living with disease. Every image we create, every thought we bring to life holds a little piece of us within it. That’s scariest of all.

The key is to not let the fear stop you…instead, let it galvanize you.

Image via Positive Writer

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Writer Life
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New Beginnings as a Writer and Freelancer

New Beginnings as a Writer and Freelancer

Have you ever been completely caught up in the expectations of everyone around you, doing the things you think you’re supposed to do?

Uh, yeah, me either…

May 2014 – I shocked my world and quit a job of seven years, one that had the potential to become a lucrative and rewarding career. A job I wasn’t happy in and hadn’t been for a long time. I moved 440 miles away for love of a man (a damn good man) and to build a dream. The world opened up before me, and I could do whatever I wanted – freelancer, love, new beginnings.

I set up my new career path the way I thought I should. Digital marketer extraordinaire. I could write your blog posts and run your Facebook page; write press releases and tweet my little heart out. I did it to seem real and legitimate – and to keep my mother from worrying too much. (“Perks” of being an only child – there’s no other kid in the family to deflect the worry of a parent.) But it’s not really about keeping my mother happy. I wanted to do what felt like the “right” thing. Not the deep-down-visceral-instinctive right. No, the safe, this-is-what-real-grown-ups-do kind of right.

Working with my clients? Felt awesome!

Building the website that was supposed to promote me and my expertise? Ugh. It felt like work. The worst kind of work. Except now I could ignore it. The website wasn’t making me any money so what did it matter if I allowed it to languish?

The problem? My business stagnated, and I even kept a client I didn’t love because I hadn’t done much to grow my own business. Why? Because I didn’t like my own website or business model. I was scared to do the things that felt unsafe.

Somewhere along the way I realized I’m a writer first. Of course, writers are necessary for marketing, but I didn’t want to teach people how to market. Everybody and their brother was already doing that – and with a quick Google search, they’re still doing it.

I wanted to write. I wanted to give breath to the words that lived in my head on a near-constant basis.

Did my kids do something horrifying/hilarious/worrying/amazing? I wanted to write about it.

Are politicians being stupid again? I have a thought about that. Maybe two.

Does writing fill me with something I can’t always articulate until my fingers hover over a keyboard? There are so many words and thoughts yet to be expressed.

This space is intended to be a place simply to write and to share the things that make me think, get me to laugh, or mean something to me. I’m not completely sure what you’ll find within in the pages of this website, but I know one thing:

Stories and thoughts shared bring people together. Even when we think we’re completely different, we can find commonality somewhere. My hope is that the thoughts that live in my head will connect with others. If my words give hope, make you laugh, or just make you look at life in a different way, I’ll be a very happy writer.

And hey, if you want to pay me to write, I won’t say no to that, either. 😉

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