“Well, you’re a little bit OCD, a little bit manic, a little depressed, and you have a little anxiety.”
Translation: You, my dear, are a confusing hot damn mess.
He’s a professional, so of course he wouldn’t say that – out loud.
The next week, after a few minutes – “You are SO repressed.”
Yep, I know. As long as I don’t think about the things that make me anxious, I don’t feel as anxious. So let’s just not think about that. But could he please explain my out-sized reactions to every little thing that goes wrong?
Oh, that’s right, I’m repressed.
“We’ve got work to do.” A less professional therapist would have been rubbing his hands together with unrepressed glee (see what I did there?).
Not sure if I should be relieved or a little concerned that he seems so excited.
I think I’m a puzzle.
I don’t really mind being a puzzle. What I hate was not being able to solve my puzzle – which is why I called him. For the first time in my life, I’m too close to the “problem” to pick it apart, think about it, and figure it out.
Not being a clear-cut case for him to diagnose didn’t really surprise me much, either. I never have been like other people.
You can’t grow boobs at age eight (yes, really), get zits by 10, and then stop growing by 13 so that everyone else develops all around you and think you’re like anyone else.
Differences at those ages can be devastating (ask me how I know). Differences as an adult either have to be hidden or celebrated. Or you can be like me and just never talk about them.
I keep reading about how you stop giving fuck about stuff when you hit age 40. I’m almost 37, and I can’t decide if I care or not (I always was an early developer – see above. Why wait until I’m the big 4-0 to stop caring what other people think?).
On one hand, I’m me and people will either accept that or not.
On the other hand, the idea of rejection dries my mouth and makes me nauseous.
On one hand, I care desperately about myself. The past several months have been a journey in mental health, physical well-being, and food intolerances that have come out of nowhere. I want to be healthy, damn it.
On the other hand, think I’m ugly or think I’m “pretty” – it doesn’t matter to me. Am I fat or am I curvy or am I work in progress? Damn if I know.
See? I’m a puzzle.
Scratch beneath the surface a little. You’re a puzzle, too.
We’re all puzzles. The real question is do we want to solve it?
Maybe I’m not ready for the big 4-0 yet because yes, I still care enough to figure out this new, seemingly unsolvable puzzle.